Remembering Him
by HopelesslyFictional
Summary: Most days she can forget him, most days it's like he never even existed, but once in a while, she lets herself remember Campbell Saunders. ONE SHOT.


**Hello everyone :) I was feeling inspired, something that doesn't happen much too often anymore *sigh*, so I decided to just run with this. I actually read a post on tumblr that inspired this and yeah... **

**I don't know how the quality of this is but hey, here ya go. It makes me sad that there are hardly any Camaya stories on this site anymore so I hope you get some enjoyment out of reading this. **

**Please review and let me know what you think! **

* * *

"Dylan, Olivia, come eat, guys! Breakfast is getting cold and you're going to be late for school!"

Maya sighs a frustrated breath and then feels herself relax when she hears the pitter-patter of two sets of small feet scurry across the floor above her head.

When the two small children appear in the door frame, she can't help but smile at their eager faces and sloppily tied shoelaces. She remembers when she was in school going back after Spring Break was never enjoyable, but her kids couldn't wait to reenter Degrassi Elementary.

Dylan scrambles to the table and plops down on his favorite chair in the corner before taking a massive bite of his pancakes.

"Dylan, honey, I told you not to eat with your mouth so full... That's how we choke on our food."

"Sorry, mommy..." Dylan barely gets the words out in a coherent form before he's back to chowing down on another large bite.

Olivia takes longer to seat herself. She straightens her new yellow dress, tucks her light blond hair behind her ears, and set a flimsy napkin on her lap, an etiquette she only recently learned from some TV show on Nick Jr.

"Mommy... Stop cutting my pancakes. I'm not a baby anymore. I'm 6 years old now; I can do it myself."

Yet again, Maya sighs. Olivia's newfound independence has been overwhelming lately. She doesn't want help with anything and it both frustrates and awes Maya that her little girl is growing up and pulling away.

"Sorry, sweetie. I promise I won't cut your food up anymore."

Olivia nods and takes a petite bite of the already cut pancakes.

"Mom, can you sign a paper in my bag? I forgot to give it to you last week and it's due today... It's for a field trip."

Yet another sigh escapes the lips of Maya but she happily obliges.

It's only when she gets to the "Sign and Date" section that a pang of hurt shoots through her heart.

April 17th.

_Not now_, she reminds herself. _Not yet_.

She quickly scribbles the date and shoves the paper back in Dylan's bag before trying to usher the kids out the door.

"Come on, guys, you don't want to be late for your first day back, right? Dylan, grab your backpack; Liv, wipe your mouth off, honey. Come on, let's get in the car..."

* * *

She sits in the dim living room, the morning light straining to flood through the closed curtains, with an old hockey game on in front of her.

Suddenly, two arms wrap themselves over her shoulders and start to rub.

"Morning babe. Sleep well? Kids already at school?"

"Morning... Uh, yeah. I dropped them off a couple of minutes ago. How'd you sleep?"

He continues to rub the tops of Maya's shoulders and she feels herself relax into his touch.

"Pretty well. I have that morning conference today though, so I actually have to get going."

The warmth of his hands leaves the spots on her skin and she sighs all over again.

"Hon, hockey again? I will never understand this weird tradition of yours..."

She forces a halfhearted laugh and shakes her head subtly before answering.

"I told you, it's just something I've done since high school. Every year when Spring Break is over, I pull out old hockey games and watch them."

"Alright... Well have a good day with your hockey. You should open up a curtain in here. I would think someone died if I didn't know any better..." Maya nods in return and looks back at the screen in front of her. "I'll probably be home around 5. Love you, Maya."

"Love you, too." The words taste metallic on her tongue. It's a phrase she utters every single day, a phrase she means. Today, though, is no ordinary day and the proclamation of love seems like nothing more than lies.

* * *

The house is quiet except for her rummaging through the closet where they kept old mementos, shoe boxes filled with receipts, first baby clothes, scrapbooks half made.

She finally finds the wooden locked box and then feels around the door frame for the key.

The box is labeled "High School", but only she knows what is really located within its depths.

_Deep breath, Maya. You can do it, Maya. _

She turns the lock and creaks the box open. The red of his jersey flashes before her and for a minute, all she can see is red.

The jersey reads **SAUNDERS** and she hugs it close to her body, taking in the familiar scent that has yet to completely fade.

_"Can I tell you a secret? I don't like hockey..."_

She lays the jersey on her lap as she saw Liv lay her napkin over hers earlier, delicately and with caution.

A sparkly mass catches her eye next and she finds herself pulling out the single-charmed bracelet he got her during her freshman year.

_"Every time you play a show, I'll get you a new one." _

Maya likes to think that had he really kept up with his promise, she'd need a whole separate bracelet to adorn all of the charms he would have gotten her. That even today, he'd be buying her charms.

A single dried rose, preserved in a plastic casing is the next object of her affection and she pulls it out with care.

_"Those must have cost a small fortune..." "Yeah, well, you're worth it." _

A tear falls freely down her face and she wipes it away using the sleeve of his jersey.

A 14-year old version of herself catches her eye and she takes a breath in preparation of what's to come next.

She slides the photo strip out of the box and clutches its faded edges in her hands.

The way she's looking at him, she notices, it's like he's the only person in the world. The only person she cares to see. She wishes he could have realized how she was looking at him, how much she loved him, how much she needed him.

_"Tonight's the most fun I've had at Degrassi." _

There's one thing left in the box now. A single, plain DVD reflecting off of her glasses.

She steadies herself, puts the disc into her laptop, and waits.

_"Good Morning, Maya Matlin..."_ She only hears the beginning of it before her cries drown out his voice. She looks at his young face, the most sincere happiness she had ever seen adorn those brown eyes of his, and cries a little harder.

The video ends and the DVD cuts to Degrassi's video yearbook.

_"We love each other!"_

The video drains to black and Maya is left staring at a hazy reflection of herself on the laptop screen.

Slowly, she carefully packs away the forgotten memorabilia, hugs the jersey against her chest once more, and then tucks it away with the rest of their memories.

For sixteen years now this had been her ritual every April 17th, every anniversary of his death.

It was a process suggested to her by her grief counselor after she had trouble coping with her new reputation and the tumultuous relationships she had gotten herself into throughout the remainder of her time spent at Degrassi.

For a long time she was angry, even when she promised that she wasn't. For a long time she hated Campbell Saunders and hated that he left her and hated everyone that tried to help her and hated herself for not helping him.

Then she was sad. Maya Matlin was sad for a while. A long while.

But now, now she was at peace. He hardly crossed her mind most days.

Once in a while she would find herself staring at her children's faces and wondering how they would look if Campbell and her were still together. On rare occasions she would imagine her husband's loving hands to be Cam's wrapped around her waist after a long day spent on the ice. Some days she would feel guilty for being happy with her family and finding love again when Cam was doomed from the start.

Most days, though, she could forget and just live in the moment, take in the life she built for herself, and know deep down that happiness was all Cam ever wanted for her.

It was only April 17th that she let herself feel and remember and cry. It was the one day of the year that she remembered the first boy that she ever loved, the first boy to steal her heart, the boy that in some unconventional way still had it.

It was on this day that she let herself think about what could have been, maybe what should have been; the one day of the year that she remembered Campbell Saunders and acknowledged that one day she would see him again.

The box was locked again and set on the top shelf of the closet behind an old teddy bear and a wedding album. The closet door was shut and the curtains opened letting the afternoon sun shine a deep yellow into the previously dark room. Maya straightened her shirt with her hands, fixed her glasses, wiped away any remaining tears, and started for the kitchen.

_"I hope you're doing okay, Cheesy. I love you."_

Maya shook her head slightly pushing away any residual thoughts and lit a burner on the stove knowing that the kids would be hungry when they got home from school.


End file.
